I haven’t written in a while. It’s not for lack of trying, I am just not happy with the fruits of my labor. Or perhaps LIFE is distracting me so much and turning my brain to pudding. (I hope it’s at least chocolate pudding.)
I’ve mostly been distracted by the disruption in my family. It seems someone is always mad at me, so maybe it is best I stay away. Whenever I try to “fix” it, it just ends up more broken. There are some that seem to think my opinions are best kept to myself, and I don’t want to live my life that way anymore.
I’m overwhelmed by our choice to have a foster dog, Angel. I love her so much and every time there is interest in her from another family, I retreat inside myself. She’s mine. But maybe she isn’t meant to be mine.
Yesterday, I had some sad news from one of my best friends. Her news made me struggle all day, back and forth between that blissful sense of being unaware and the jolting shock of reality.
My answer to stress has always been the same; cry. I read something once that said it’s good to cry. Your body is having a physical reaction because it needs a release. But I spent a lot of years with someone who cried all the time, and sometimes I harshly resist this natural reaction.
Sometimes your body wins. While trying to write something intelligent, I found something I wrote a few months ago about crying. I remember crying as I wrote it, and wish I remember the way I felt when the crying had ceased.
Have you ever really looked at yourself while tears ran down your face, your shoulders heaved and emotion poured forward? There are the cries where you can barely keep from squeaking, heaving sobs rack your body and physically, you have never felt more vulnerable.
There are the cries that are silent, where you can hide the deep wrenching thoughts and only slightly give in to the reaction your body wants you to have. For me, those cries only bring tears to the surface of the eye, where they either spill sporadically or not at all, making one feel that there just may be some level of control.
But then there are cries that transcend every other. The tears fall from your eyes with no effort, spilling down your cheeks as if they have somewhere they need to be. Your body is still, your face barely moving. These are the cries that dig to the deepest part of your being, kidnapping those feelings so you have no choice but to express them.
Sometimes you cry in one way and sometimes in another. When the tears are dry and you can breathe once again, you look outside the window at the trees and the sky.
You whisper thanks that you don’t have to fix everything right now; that maybe you can really take one day at a time. It didn’t fall apart in a day, so it won’t be put together in one either.
Giving in to crying is vital in order to maintain some type of sanity … but, just a little. Don’t succumb to it and let it control and dictate every move, every mood, every you.
There is always sunshine somewhere. The trick is to never stop searching. And sometimes the brightest smile is the one that shines through tears.