Cry

 

I haven’t written in a while. It’s not for lack of trying, I am just not happy with the fruits of my labor. Or perhaps LIFE is distracting me so much and turning my brain to pudding. (I hope it’s at least chocolate pudding.)

I’ve mostly been distracted by the disruption in my family. It seems someone is always mad at me, so maybe it is best I stay away. Whenever I try to “fix” it, it just ends up more broken. There are some that seem to think my opinions are best kept to myself, and I don’t want to live my life that way anymore.

I’m overwhelmed by our choice to have a foster dog, Angel. I love her so much and every time there is interest in her from another family, I retreat inside myself. She’s mine. But maybe she isn’t meant to be mine.

Yesterday, I had some sad news from one of my best friends. Her news made me struggle all day, back and forth between that blissful sense of being unaware and the jolting shock of reality.

My answer to stress has always been the same; cry. I read something once that said it’s good to cry. Your body is having a physical reaction because it needs a release. But I spent a lot of years with someone who cried all the time, and sometimes I harshly resist this natural reaction.

Sometimes your body wins. While trying to write something intelligent, I found something I wrote a few months ago about crying. I remember crying as I wrote it, and wish I remember the way I felt when the crying had ceased.

Have you ever really looked at yourself while tears ran down your face, your shoulders heaved and emotion poured forward? There are the cries where you can barely keep from squeaking, heaving sobs rack your body and physically, you have never felt more vulnerable.

There are the cries that are silent, where you can hide the deep wrenching thoughts and only slightly give in to the reaction your body wants you to have. For me, those cries only bring tears to the surface of the eye, where they either spill sporadically or not at all, making one feel that there just may be some level of control.

But then there are cries that transcend every other. The tears fall from your eyes with no effort, spilling down your cheeks as if they have somewhere they need to be. Your body is still, your face barely moving. These are the cries that dig to the deepest part of your being, kidnapping those feelings so you have no choice but to express them.

Sometimes you cry in one way and sometimes in another. When the tears are dry and you can breathe once again, you look outside the window at the trees and the sky.

You whisper thanks that you don’t have to fix everything right now; that maybe you can really take one day at a time. It didn’t fall apart in a day, so it won’t be put together in one either.

 

Giving in to crying is vital in order to maintain some type of sanity … but, just a little. Don’t succumb to it and let it control and dictate every move, every mood, every you.

There is always sunshine somewhere. The trick is to never stop searching. And sometimes the brightest smile is the one that shines through tears.

 

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14 thoughts on “Cry

  1. talleygilly says:

    Jen – I loved this so much, and especially this line: “It didn’t fall apart in a day, so it won’t be put together in one either.” I could really relate to this, as crying is a natural (and too frequent!) reaction of mine to lots of things. You raise such a good point that there can be a very thin line between crying as a useful release of stress hormones and an activity that makes us sink deeper into misery and inertia. We have to be allowed to be sad and troubled, and to cry sometimes, but we also have to know where it’s holding us back from coping effectively or seeing the good in our lives. Thanks for this great perspective. (And did you hear that sound? It was the sound of your writing “rut” being kicked to the curb :). -A

    • Jen says:

      Thanks Alexandra! I love your interpretation of the perspective I was trying to show. There are times I have to make an effort to stop the tears, but I never regret when I do. I’ve even thought “Wow, a few years ago, I would have spent an hour crying, and I cooled it after only five minutes this time.” Sad, but true! 🙂

  2. Shawna says:

    I love this line, Jen. I know exactly which feeling you’re describing: “back and forth between that blissful sense of being unaware and the jolting shock of reality.”

  3. Shawna says:

    This is so true: “It didn’t fall apart in a day, so it won’t be put together in one either.”

  4. Anne Katherine says:

    I can so relate to family drama. It is so hard to unravel the complicated messes that family relationships can turn into. And the news about your friend. And the anxiety about sweet Angel. That is all enough to make anyone cry. I love your description of the different cries. And just love “look outside the window at the trees and the sky” – simple, I know, but it is exactly what I always used to do as a child and it still helps me now when life is just overwhelming and all your body can do is cry. Just looking at the trees always helps me…

    • Jen says:

      Anne Katherine, thanks so much for your comment! Isn’t it amazing how we can learn from the people we were as children? I definitely wouldn’t want to go back to being a teenager though. LOL

      I get a ridiculous sense of calm when I’m near a body of water, especially the ocean. But there are a few lakes by my house that we walk around, and that helps as well. It’s the same thing with the sky and the trees … maybe feeling more in tune with God, nature, etc, we learn to center ourselves from the chaos. Does that even make sense? Ha.

      And it BETTER be chocolate. Seriously.

  5. Anne Katherine says:

    And I hope it’s chocolate pudding too 🙂

  6. “You whisper thanks that you don’t have to fix everything right now; that maybe you can really take one day at a time. It didn’t fall apart in a day, so it won’t be put together in one either.”

    LOVE this! It’s something I think we all need to remind ourselves of on a constant basis!

    ::Hugs:: to you on dealing with the family issues. I completely understand. I am a huge fan of the Serenity Prayer . . . “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

    • Jen says:

      Thanks Dayle!! That was definitely my favorite line. And you are right, we need CONSTANT reminding!

      I love the Serenity Prayer. I whisper it to myself quite often. I need to really HEAR it though! Sometimes words are just words if you don’t use them in the way they were intended.

  7. Peter Park says:

    Nice work, 🙂
    BTW is it okay if I use your pic (the eye)? I’m planing to join a contest for saving the earth and I need a beautiful eye picture…
    The pic will be used in making poster. 🙂 and saving the Earth

  8. rumpydog says:

    I understand the feeling of not wanting to let go. I don’t have any answers for you now. But I do know that it’s very important to not ruin the joy of sharing yourself with that dog today by worrying about what might happen tomorrow. Make the most of today.

    • Jen Hurowitz says:

      It’s been almost 2 months since I wrote this, and I have found a lot of peace when it comes to Angel. She was almost adopted … it fell through at the last minute. Getting so close to saying good-bye to her was a good thing for me, because it helped me accept that it will happen. I still have my moments and I’ll always be a “crier,” but we have been enjoying the extra time with her SO much. 🙂

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