Silence

Where does the balance lie? Half of me wants to run away screaming, shielding my head with my arms, praying the words don’t make their way to my ears. The other half is tired of being bullied, remembers the cruel words thrown my way, the way I felt as a child and teenager. I want to demand the respect I deserve.

Neither may be the right way to react. How do I learn to keep my mouth closed, but not come off as a witch? I have this nasty little habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve, so if I’m in a “mood”, odds are the entire room knows it. How do I stand up for what’s right without fighting the losing fight with someone who is clearly unstable?

Today it’s as if nothing has happened. I even got an apology, but I confess, I did not apologize back. Maybe that makes me stubborn … maybe I don’t know how to be the bigger person. Maybe I’m tired of apologizing when I don’t feel I’m wrong. Maybe I’m tired of saying “Yes” all the time when my heart is screaming for me to say “No!”

I’ve been accused of being “fake”, so now I want to act exactly as I feel; indifferent. But the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. When dealing with someone who has a personality/mental disorder, indifference fuels their anger like no other source of energy can.

I can feel the tension building as I am choosing to withdrawal. It would be easy to chit-chat like before and ease the feeling in the air. But when the cycle continues, escalates and comes to blows, will I wish I had just kept quiet?

Probably. To quote a good friend, “Silence grows where negativity speaks.”

I’ll just prove all my teachers wrong. This girl can be silent when she needs to be.

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9 thoughts on “Silence

  1. Paula says:

    I’m like you and when I’m in mood everyone knows it. 🙂 I would still be polite to this person, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to be friendly to someone who talked to me the way this person did you. Someone like that isn’t worth the time or worry. But I know that this easier said than done. 🙂

    Hope that tomorrow is a better day!

    • Jen Hurowitz says:

      Thanks, Paula! I agree with you. I feel like I’m being “mean” but to be honest, I can’t handle the erratic behavior and don’t want to get sucked in again. I brought my iPod for back-up! 🙂

  2. Anne Katherine says:

    🙂 You can do it! I hope!
    I suppose since everyone knows your moods, that makes you the last person in the world who is a “fake.” Fake people are awesome actresses, no matter their mood. Told ya – she’s deflecting and she’s screwed up!
    By the way, I LOVE the changes to your blog. It looks very crisp!

    • Jen Hurowitz says:

      LOL Anne Katherine, I hope so too! I am from Jersey, after all. 😉 I’m all talk though … I would never actually start something with anyone. I really don’t think she will last at her job, so right now it’s just a waiting game.

      I’m glad you noticed the blog changes!

  3. I’ve never been able to hide how I feel. I’ve tried. I just can’t pull it off.

    As for apologizing when you have nothing to apologize for . . . I am adamantly opposed to that. I *will* admit when I’m wrong, even if it is a very small wrong. But I do my best to avoid apologizing just to keep the peace. I’ve done it and I’ve always felt like crap afterwards.

    I know that it’s easier said than done, but nobody’s opinion of you matters except your own.

    Sending more hugs your way, Jen! You are awesome! ❤

    • Jen Hurowitz says:

      Dayle, your comments always make me feel better!! I feel I have been sharing too much, that it may come back to bite me in the butt. But then I think, WHO CARES if someone reads this and doesn’t agree. Haven’t I written before about spending my life always saying “yes” because the argument just wasn’t worth it? I don’t want to live that way anymore, and it’s affecting more than just my office mate. I don’t think my family likes who I am now, and I’m suffering because of it.

      But once you “find yourself,” it’s really hard to give it back.

      • I’m so happy I can help make you feel better! You deserve it!

        Who cares is exactly right. This is YOUR blog, YOUR words, YOUR feelings and you have absolutely every right in the world to share them.

        I know it’s difficult when family members react negatively to your personal growth, but it’s about you, not them. Their issues are theirs, not yours . . . and once again, I know that it is so much easier to say that than to truly feel it!

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